Butterfly in the stomach

My stomach keep churning since yesterday. It was like there is a butterfly in there. I never felt something like this before. And that was my first time I feel so anxious, shy, scare, happy, nervous at the same time. My heart beats faster.

And how I wish I could feel like that during my prayer, my sujud and reciting al-Quran. It give me a big impact, when I think that way. How naive I am, when I could feel like that in front of other human being and not in front of Allah.

And I thought that yesterday was the end of it, but I was wrong. I still feel the same way after seeing you today. And I lose my appetite, I loss my focus during preparing for my quiz and I forgot how to do tracing during the quiz. Allah, You did know how hard I did tried to forget everything about dunya when I'm seeing You, and how easy You make me forget something when I saw him.

Still, I feel a burden in my heart. And yet, You won't test me if I cannot overcome this. You knew that my Iman is weak and You put me through this test. May You put this heart at ease, and may this heart does not being polluted by nafs. Amin.


6:17 PM - Raining

False Alarm.

"Love is a serious mental disease." - Pluto

There is critical mistake is being made here. Love is not a mental disease. Desire is.

"So often we think that Allah only tests us with hardships, but this isn't true. Allah also tests with ease. He tests us with blessing and with the things we love, and it is often in these tests that so many of us fail."

I'm also included myself as the one who fail in this test. But this is not the end of my journey.

"There are at least 2 types of love. There will be some people you love because of what you get from them: what they give you, the way they make you feel. "

And this is what I felt like a few weeks ago. I was being confused by this feeling. Then I asked myself, is this love? And I asked Him, even if this is love, I want to let it go because, if this is love I believe that what comes around goes around. So I let this feeling vanish in the thin air. Because I got nothing to lose at the end.

"This is perhaps the majority of love - which is also makes much of love so unstable. If you're chasing feeling, you'll always be chasing. No feeling is ever constant. If love is dependent on this, it too becomes inconstant and changing. And just like everything in this world, the more you chase it, the more it will run away from you."

I wondering if, for all this time is it nafs? Because desire may cause me feeling that way. And what occurred to me during that time is I saw my past. Something about my past that made me feel that way. Its not love. Just a piece of memories that I lost.

"But, once in a while, people enter your life that you love - not for what they give you - but for what they are. The beauty you see in them is reflection of the Creator, so you love them. Now suddenly it isn't about what you're getting, but rather what you can give. This is unselfish love. This second type of love is the rarest."

I am hoping that one day I'll find the second type of love. Not the first one that I just found. Plus I don't think I can category the first type is love in my case. Admiration - maybe, but love - is not. Because love is not ever changing, it supposed to be constant, like how much you love God, and that feeling never betray you even how much He tests you, it just make you closer to Him.


So I conclude myself, it isn't love. Just a false alarm.


And of His signs is  that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that signs for a people who give thought - (30:21)

6 Tahun Tanpa Sakura Dalam Hati.

6 tahun ; aku divorced dengan perasaan sendiri. Tak ambil tahu apa rasa hati ini. Kering kontang seperti padang pasir. Tapi baru sahaja minggu ini, Allah uji hati aku selepas 6 tahun. Mungkin bertanya khabar, sihat atau tidak hati ini? Masih mengikut fitrah hati atau tidak hati aku ini. Alhamdulillah ianya masih berfungsi. Tapi, sebenarnya hati aku sakit lagi. Sakit dengan perkara mazmummah dan bukannya sakit kerana taman dalam hati sedang mekar berbunga.

Aku tanya diri sendiri. Apakah rasa ini? Aku tak mengerti. Langsung tidak. 6 tahun aku asingkan hati dari rantai rasa. Takut kecewa lagi, jadi aku tetapkan hati pada Yang Satu. Namun beberapa hari yang lalu hati ini terbeban kembali. Aku tanya lagi diri sendiri. Apakah rasa ini? Aku tak mengerti.

Dada mula sesak, jantung berdegup tak menentu. Aku agak ia mainan hati sahaja, tapi keadaan tidak menentu. Jadi aku tanya pakar hati. Apakah rasa ini? Dijawabnya, mungkin rasa suka telah berputik kembali. Akal aku cuba nafi. Dipesannya kali ini, minta pada tuhan agar kuatkan iman dalam hati, bukan mengikut nafsu sendiri.

Parah hati ini. Banyak yang diuji. Aku masih tak mengerti. Jadi aku kata pada hati, kalau benar ini rantai rasa, biarkan ia berlalu pergi. Jangan biar ia malukan diri, kerana tuhan sedang menguji.


5:00 Pagi -  Moga hati tak menjauhkan diri dari tuhan. Amin.