False Alarm.

"Love is a serious mental disease." - Pluto

There is critical mistake is being made here. Love is not a mental disease. Desire is.

"So often we think that Allah only tests us with hardships, but this isn't true. Allah also tests with ease. He tests us with blessing and with the things we love, and it is often in these tests that so many of us fail."

I'm also included myself as the one who fail in this test. But this is not the end of my journey.

"There are at least 2 types of love. There will be some people you love because of what you get from them: what they give you, the way they make you feel. "

And this is what I felt like a few weeks ago. I was being confused by this feeling. Then I asked myself, is this love? And I asked Him, even if this is love, I want to let it go because, if this is love I believe that what comes around goes around. So I let this feeling vanish in the thin air. Because I got nothing to lose at the end.

"This is perhaps the majority of love - which is also makes much of love so unstable. If you're chasing feeling, you'll always be chasing. No feeling is ever constant. If love is dependent on this, it too becomes inconstant and changing. And just like everything in this world, the more you chase it, the more it will run away from you."

I wondering if, for all this time is it nafs? Because desire may cause me feeling that way. And what occurred to me during that time is I saw my past. Something about my past that made me feel that way. Its not love. Just a piece of memories that I lost.

"But, once in a while, people enter your life that you love - not for what they give you - but for what they are. The beauty you see in them is reflection of the Creator, so you love them. Now suddenly it isn't about what you're getting, but rather what you can give. This is unselfish love. This second type of love is the rarest."

I am hoping that one day I'll find the second type of love. Not the first one that I just found. Plus I don't think I can category the first type is love in my case. Admiration - maybe, but love - is not. Because love is not ever changing, it supposed to be constant, like how much you love God, and that feeling never betray you even how much He tests you, it just make you closer to Him.


So I conclude myself, it isn't love. Just a false alarm.


And of His signs is  that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that signs for a people who give thought - (30:21)

Jujur

Jujur aku cakap, tipulah kalau dalam hati ini tak ada rasa riak, angkuh, sombong, lagi berlagak nak mampus. Semua perasaan yang buruk-buruk dalam hati aku, aku buat konklusi sendiri bahawa hati aku ini sakit sebenarnya. Aku tahu ada masa aku jauh dengan Tuhan. Aku tahu kadang-kadang aku alpa dan leka.

Dah beberapa tahun yang lalu hati yang sakit yang amat parah. Dan hendak pulihkan hati yang sakit bukan mudah. Aku ambil masa yang lama untuk sampai ke tahap ini, tapi hati yang sakit bukan mudah untuk diubat.

Allah, Kau baru sahaja memberi nikmat yang sedikit kepada aku, tapi hati ini mula riak, mula takbur dengan nikmatMu, sampai lupa untuk bersyukur. Aku tak mahu hipokrit, jujur aku kata, ada kalanya aku rasa riak dengan nikmat yang Allah bagi pada aku. Terus terang aku katakan, aku takut hati ambil alih tugas akal.

Tuhan, kau tahu bertapa kotornya hati aku. Tak terkira banyaknya nikmat yang Kau bagi pada aku, tapi aku salah gunakannya. Tak terkira banyak mana Kau telah ampunkan dosa aku, tapi aku masih melakukannya. Allah aku lemah. Siapa aku tanpa peringatan yang datang daripadaMu.




2:03 Pagi ; Aku dapat rasa hati aku membengkak sakit memanggil tuhan.

Unproductive Holiday

"Teman datang dan pergi. 
Hati bersepah dengan memori. 
Hujan berbicara dengan ku, 
pesannya agar ku berdiri." - Hampir, Hujan

Dear me,

Please stop yourself from daydreaming. Nothing good comes up with it. You are over-thinking. Being in love? Getting married? You're way to far for it. Don't even dare to dream of it. Your responsibilities towards yourself and your parents still out of your hands. And now, you're thinking about marriage?

Spending your hours like water. Doing nothing except eating, cooking, and sleeping won't make you a better person. How much did you recites al-Quran today? How many time you recites dzikir today? You're way to far for anything. Stumble on the road. Alone. Hoping that some come and pull you out of this routine. Hoping that someone give you a slap so you will realize you're not a kid anymore. Keep a distance from everyone else, so no one will bother you, but the truth is you're lonely. It sounds pathetic.

The reality is too cruel to you?

Yes it is. Don't you know how many time this world is trying to kill you? Don't you know how many time you falls and  how many time you being stabs from behind? Still don't remember? Now bear it in your mind. Even you thinks you're okay for being alone, away from everyone else. Actually you not. You keeps telling lies to yourself, but actually you're scared. Yes you are!

Scared -
to belief in anyone; that why you never tell anyone the ugly part of you.
to being in love; even you dreams for it but you scares to get hurts.
to be yourself; which you acts like a little girl who's need her mummy besides.


You're just a big fish in a small pond, but this here is the ocean and you're drowning.

Seindah Mawar

Andai aku boleh terbang, 

sudah lama aku terbang.

Menghilang dalam awan putih.

Itulah yang selalau aku bayangkan.

Namun,

Aku tau itu bukan realiti tapi mimpi.

Selalu aku ingatkan diri.

Hidup itu InsyaAllah, mati itu pasti.

Priceless, Itu Jawapannya.

Untuk dapat seorang sahabat sejati, berapakah harga yang perlu aku bayar?

...

Dari kecil, aku dibesarkan sebagai anak tunggal, erti seorang sahabat masih dalam pencarian. Bila, mana, siapa ? Itu yang selalu aku tertanya-tanya pada diri sendiri. Untuk dapatkan seorang yang sempurna, sudah pastinya mustahil. Kerna tiada siapa pun yang sempurna termasuk diri aku sendiri.

Apakah pula harga untuk sebuah persahabatan ?

...

Juga masih belum ternilai harganya. Masa dahulu, aku fikir aku sudah jumpa seorang sahabat sejati. Rupanya bukan dia. Persahabatan kami erat hanya kerana dia teman sebilik dengan aku. Entahlah.. Aku pun tidak tau. Namun, tidak lama selepas itu, segalanya berubah.. Adakah silap aku sendiri atau persekitaran yang mengubah haluan kami.. Di tanya untuk tinggalkan buah hati sendiri. Dan aku turutinya. Mungkin bodoh, tapi aku tetap pilih persahabatan kami. Kerna aku tau, untuk dapat seorang sahabat bukannya mudah. Kami ada geng, dan geng tu tak bawa ke mana. Mungkin aku sahaja yang mengambil serius perihal itu dan yang lain hanya mungkin menganggap gurauan dan cabaraan bagi cinta gila aku dulu. Mengeluh.. Tapi akhirnya ada kebaikannya juga atas apa yang berlaku. Allah sudah tetapkan yang terbaik untuk kita semua. Setiap perkara yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya. Itu yang aku pegang sampai sekarang. Bersangka baik terhadap semua perkara. Senyum.

Tidak kira siapa, bila, atau di mana aku ketemu erti dan sebuah persahabatan aku akan tetap terus menunggu. Kerna aku tau dalam hati ini siapa yang bertahta dan semoga Allah merahmati dirinya. Amin. :')

Ukhuwah fillah abadan abada. :)