2014

Ibarat hati ditebuk lubang.

Aku hilang.

Sedih.

I received a very sad news from my dad. He said that my beloved cats were gone. Not one, but all three of them. All three of them were very close to me. And I cried, badly.

When people leave me. I am still okay with that. But I'm not when I lose my cats. I don't care if everyone leaves me behind. Because I already used with it. I can deal with it. But I'm not when I lose my cats.

I bet that mom will be quiet upset with dad, because he told me that the cat where gone. She tried her best to comfort me, tonight. She told me its almost 2 months the cat were gone. She explained me in details, what really happen. Yet, it still breaks my heart into a pieces.

I knew that she tried hard to protect me from broken into pieces. She doesn't want to disturb my study. Thank you, mom for your efforts. But, still...

Its not easy for me.

My attachment with my cats are very strong.
And the memories won't fade away that easy.



Ya Allah, I want my cats back.. :'-(

Butterfly in the stomach

My stomach keep churning since yesterday. It was like there is a butterfly in there. I never felt something like this before. And that was my first time I feel so anxious, shy, scare, happy, nervous at the same time. My heart beats faster.

And how I wish I could feel like that during my prayer, my sujud and reciting al-Quran. It give me a big impact, when I think that way. How naive I am, when I could feel like that in front of other human being and not in front of Allah.

And I thought that yesterday was the end of it, but I was wrong. I still feel the same way after seeing you today. And I lose my appetite, I loss my focus during preparing for my quiz and I forgot how to do tracing during the quiz. Allah, You did know how hard I did tried to forget everything about dunya when I'm seeing You, and how easy You make me forget something when I saw him.

Still, I feel a burden in my heart. And yet, You won't test me if I cannot overcome this. You knew that my Iman is weak and You put me through this test. May You put this heart at ease, and may this heart does not being polluted by nafs. Amin.


6:17 PM - Raining

Di manakah Al-Quran di hati aku?

Soalan: Ustaz boleh tak saya nak jadi hafizah tapi saya tak mahu terlibat dalam D&T (Dakwah & Training) sebab nanti busy.

Ustaz: Boleh... Tapi akhirat nanti pandai-pandailah jawab sendiri dengan Allah.

****

Okay, orang lain yang tanya soalan ini aku pulak yang sentap.

Semoga Allah permudahkan aku.

Amin.

Location: LHA, CFS IIUM

Date: 16 April 2014

False Alarm.

"Love is a serious mental disease." - Pluto

There is critical mistake is being made here. Love is not a mental disease. Desire is.

"So often we think that Allah only tests us with hardships, but this isn't true. Allah also tests with ease. He tests us with blessing and with the things we love, and it is often in these tests that so many of us fail."

I'm also included myself as the one who fail in this test. But this is not the end of my journey.

"There are at least 2 types of love. There will be some people you love because of what you get from them: what they give you, the way they make you feel. "

And this is what I felt like a few weeks ago. I was being confused by this feeling. Then I asked myself, is this love? And I asked Him, even if this is love, I want to let it go because, if this is love I believe that what comes around goes around. So I let this feeling vanish in the thin air. Because I got nothing to lose at the end.

"This is perhaps the majority of love - which is also makes much of love so unstable. If you're chasing feeling, you'll always be chasing. No feeling is ever constant. If love is dependent on this, it too becomes inconstant and changing. And just like everything in this world, the more you chase it, the more it will run away from you."

I wondering if, for all this time is it nafs? Because desire may cause me feeling that way. And what occurred to me during that time is I saw my past. Something about my past that made me feel that way. Its not love. Just a piece of memories that I lost.

"But, once in a while, people enter your life that you love - not for what they give you - but for what they are. The beauty you see in them is reflection of the Creator, so you love them. Now suddenly it isn't about what you're getting, but rather what you can give. This is unselfish love. This second type of love is the rarest."

I am hoping that one day I'll find the second type of love. Not the first one that I just found. Plus I don't think I can category the first type is love in my case. Admiration - maybe, but love - is not. Because love is not ever changing, it supposed to be constant, like how much you love God, and that feeling never betray you even how much He tests you, it just make you closer to Him.


So I conclude myself, it isn't love. Just a false alarm.


And of His signs is  that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that signs for a people who give thought - (30:21)

6 Tahun Tanpa Sakura Dalam Hati.

6 tahun ; aku divorced dengan perasaan sendiri. Tak ambil tahu apa rasa hati ini. Kering kontang seperti padang pasir. Tapi baru sahaja minggu ini, Allah uji hati aku selepas 6 tahun. Mungkin bertanya khabar, sihat atau tidak hati ini? Masih mengikut fitrah hati atau tidak hati aku ini. Alhamdulillah ianya masih berfungsi. Tapi, sebenarnya hati aku sakit lagi. Sakit dengan perkara mazmummah dan bukannya sakit kerana taman dalam hati sedang mekar berbunga.

Aku tanya diri sendiri. Apakah rasa ini? Aku tak mengerti. Langsung tidak. 6 tahun aku asingkan hati dari rantai rasa. Takut kecewa lagi, jadi aku tetapkan hati pada Yang Satu. Namun beberapa hari yang lalu hati ini terbeban kembali. Aku tanya lagi diri sendiri. Apakah rasa ini? Aku tak mengerti.

Dada mula sesak, jantung berdegup tak menentu. Aku agak ia mainan hati sahaja, tapi keadaan tidak menentu. Jadi aku tanya pakar hati. Apakah rasa ini? Dijawabnya, mungkin rasa suka telah berputik kembali. Akal aku cuba nafi. Dipesannya kali ini, minta pada tuhan agar kuatkan iman dalam hati, bukan mengikut nafsu sendiri.

Parah hati ini. Banyak yang diuji. Aku masih tak mengerti. Jadi aku kata pada hati, kalau benar ini rantai rasa, biarkan ia berlalu pergi. Jangan biar ia malukan diri, kerana tuhan sedang menguji.


5:00 Pagi -  Moga hati tak menjauhkan diri dari tuhan. Amin.

Jujur

Jujur aku cakap, tipulah kalau dalam hati ini tak ada rasa riak, angkuh, sombong, lagi berlagak nak mampus. Semua perasaan yang buruk-buruk dalam hati aku, aku buat konklusi sendiri bahawa hati aku ini sakit sebenarnya. Aku tahu ada masa aku jauh dengan Tuhan. Aku tahu kadang-kadang aku alpa dan leka.

Dah beberapa tahun yang lalu hati yang sakit yang amat parah. Dan hendak pulihkan hati yang sakit bukan mudah. Aku ambil masa yang lama untuk sampai ke tahap ini, tapi hati yang sakit bukan mudah untuk diubat.

Allah, Kau baru sahaja memberi nikmat yang sedikit kepada aku, tapi hati ini mula riak, mula takbur dengan nikmatMu, sampai lupa untuk bersyukur. Aku tak mahu hipokrit, jujur aku kata, ada kalanya aku rasa riak dengan nikmat yang Allah bagi pada aku. Terus terang aku katakan, aku takut hati ambil alih tugas akal.

Tuhan, kau tahu bertapa kotornya hati aku. Tak terkira banyaknya nikmat yang Kau bagi pada aku, tapi aku salah gunakannya. Tak terkira banyak mana Kau telah ampunkan dosa aku, tapi aku masih melakukannya. Allah aku lemah. Siapa aku tanpa peringatan yang datang daripadaMu.




2:03 Pagi ; Aku dapat rasa hati aku membengkak sakit memanggil tuhan.

Selfie

Aku bimbang, kalau aku post gambar selfie nanti Allah campakkan rasa riak dan angkuh macam dulu-dulu. Kau tahu tak berapa lama aku nak sental perasaan riak tu keluar dari hati? Hati aku hitam dahulu. Penuh dengan titik-titik hitam.

Aku takut andai ianya kembali.

Allah ampukan aku.

What always make and break my day?

A phone call from my parents. 

Hujan.

"Hari makin suram
Tubuh pasti makin lesu
Bagaikan menanti hujan
Di musim kering dahulu

Tiada rasa teruja mahupun
Berkata apa pada sesiapapun
Punyai persamaan.......
Sepertimu..." 

- Romantik, Hujan.



Hampir 6 tahun aku bersama Hujan. Rindu. Segala semi kata menyengat hatiku. Bagai tuju buat  aku. Aku masih di sini, setia menanti. Masih ada kah hujan 1 dekad nanti.

Till then, a dream only just a dream

'Mozart - Piano Sonata no. 16 3rd movement'

Happy New Year 2014,

Here I am, still breathing. Barely able to breath in this small room without windows. Allhamdulillah, I don't have claustrophobia- a fear of having no escape and being closed in small spaces or room.

Well I am not going to talk about phobia today since it is new year eve. Now let's talk about dreams and futures. Yesterday, I found something very meaningful in my life time. Something that I have being keep for such a long time. It is A PLAN about my own future.

Sakinah's road plan 2011.

Back then, I don't know how the future will be and did it goes according to my plan. But when Dad asked me yesterday, does its went according to my plan or not, I am very astonished with what did I wrote and gladly to say, Yes! for the answer of my dad question. However right now my journey is still long, and I don't want to overreact for nothing. A good life comes with a tons of efforts.

For sure right now, I'm not in Japan. But I don't know if I'll be there for the next couple of years, either persuading my master/PhD or job. Life is full of suprises.

Sometimes, I do have silly thought. I do have a dream to become an assassin (too much watching movies and reading novels). And sometimes I do want to become a pianist. (too much classic musics) Whatever it is I still have one thing that I give my priority the most which is becoming a good muslim, a good daughter, a good mother & wife and last but not least a good servent. A servent won't become a member of jannah without the Mercy from Allah even they make a lot of good deeds.

Still, I do have a lot of weakness, sometimes it makes me forget about Him. Other time I thought that I am good enough and won't be tested, but verily a servent can't be escaped from being tested, to measure how their faith is. 

A self rememberance.  

Unproductive Holiday

"Teman datang dan pergi. 
Hati bersepah dengan memori. 
Hujan berbicara dengan ku, 
pesannya agar ku berdiri." - Hampir, Hujan

Dear me,

Please stop yourself from daydreaming. Nothing good comes up with it. You are over-thinking. Being in love? Getting married? You're way to far for it. Don't even dare to dream of it. Your responsibilities towards yourself and your parents still out of your hands. And now, you're thinking about marriage?

Spending your hours like water. Doing nothing except eating, cooking, and sleeping won't make you a better person. How much did you recites al-Quran today? How many time you recites dzikir today? You're way to far for anything. Stumble on the road. Alone. Hoping that some come and pull you out of this routine. Hoping that someone give you a slap so you will realize you're not a kid anymore. Keep a distance from everyone else, so no one will bother you, but the truth is you're lonely. It sounds pathetic.

The reality is too cruel to you?

Yes it is. Don't you know how many time this world is trying to kill you? Don't you know how many time you falls and  how many time you being stabs from behind? Still don't remember? Now bear it in your mind. Even you thinks you're okay for being alone, away from everyone else. Actually you not. You keeps telling lies to yourself, but actually you're scared. Yes you are!

Scared -
to belief in anyone; that why you never tell anyone the ugly part of you.
to being in love; even you dreams for it but you scares to get hurts.
to be yourself; which you acts like a little girl who's need her mummy besides.


You're just a big fish in a small pond, but this here is the ocean and you're drowning.

I miss you

How should I describe my feeling right now?

Ugh. Actually I miss her so much.

Miss that time we hang out together, share our little secrets,

learn to comfort each other, and more.

I learn a lot from her.

How to manage my feeling when I was so down or angry.

We're like a sister. Thanks for always be there for me.

Thanks for everything.

I miss you, and I miss the old us.

But I knew that I need to let you go.

As a friend, it will never be same again.

And you as a wife, just be a solehah wife and a lovely mother.

Where ever you're I always pray for your happiness.

May Allah bless you my dear.

Thank you Allah, because I make me realize there always someone else waiting and supporting for me after You did. You always make me feel better. Thank you Allah for making me meet such a nice person.

3.36 AM : Memory lane in Cameron Highland.

Good Girl Gone Bad

My old self ;

Rest in Peace

2008-2010

Bersyukur.

Aku bersyukur, aku tak sambung keluar negara,
kerna beberapa bulan lepas bapak dimasukkan ke hospital
dan aku berada di sisi dia untuk berikan sokongan.

Aku bersyukur, permohonan aku ditolak untuk ke Mesir,
kerna sekarang Mesir bergolak kembali.

Aku bersyukur, aku masuk di IPTA aku sekarang,
kerna banyak tarbiah yang dapat aku perolehi untuk baiki diri aku sendiri.

Aku bersyukur, aku tukar kos,
kerna aku rasa jalan aku dipermudahkan oleh Allah untuk terus belajar.

Aku bersyukur dengan setiap nikmat yang aku dapat.
Tapi aku malu dengan diri aku sendiri, kerana nikmat Allah tidak putus-putus tapi aku masih di sini, selalu bergelumang dengan dosa.

Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa aku.

NikmatMu terlalu banyak,
sehingga aku rasa aku tidak layak untuk merasai nikmatMu ini.


4.46 Petang - Green Tea Jasmine, drink till my heart's content

Devil Inside

My life is a disaster. Everything messed up inside. Get rotten and burst. The worst part is, there is a devil inside me. A part of me. Literally, yes. Technically, no. I not being possessed by devil by the way. But I could feel, my soul is getting rotten.

Everything goes upside down. I don't like it at all. Parasite inside me. Eating my flesh slowly. Worldly matter and The Hereafter.

This is not the end.

Tipikal Aku,

Aku busy. Lagi.

Exam keliling pinggang, minggu ni sahaja aku ada 3 papers. Eksited. Tak aku tipu je. Tak eksited langsung. Makin gusar ada lah. Mengeluh. Ini baru Math 2 belum masuk Calculus (Math 3) untuk semester depan.

Kertas-kertas soalan math semester yang sudah berteraburan di atas meja. Nasi ayam tersadai di tepi meja. Aku bimbang. Entahlah, kadang rasa tak yakin.

Diam.

I don't know how I'll make through this.



p/s: #PrayForEgypt


12:53 AM; mencari solusi yang tersembunyi. - Math

Selamat Hari Raya

Selamat Hari Raya,

Biar gambar yang bercerita.

Maaf zahir dan batin

Sekolah.

"Bapak ni, hari-hari pergi sekolah. Tak bosan ke pergi sekolah ?" soalan bodoh aku yang tak patut ditanya pada bapak.

Bapak cuma senyum.

"Bapak dari kecil sampai tua sekolah. Tengok kakak. Dah lama dah berhenti sekolah. Sudah-sudahlah tu pergi sekolah." sambil tahan gelak.

Akhirnya aku dan bapak bergelak sakan. Selalu je ada perkara yang lucu di antara kami.







p/s: Bapak aku seorang guru.

Aku Di Sini.

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Assalamualaikum wbt. Maaf, kerana blog ini tergendala buat seketika. Buat yang menanti blog ini untuk di update terima kasih. Penantian anda teramatlah panjang. Maaf sekali lagi. Mengeluh.

Aku nak ucap salam ramadhan al-mubarak. Dah masuk 25 Ramadhan dah hari ini. Tak lama dah nak raya. Dan Ramadhan akan meninggalkan aku lagi. Sebenarnya aku takut. Takut tak sempat menyambut Ramadhan lagi.

Akhir-akhir ini, aku selalu teringatkan mati. Mungkin besok aku mati. Mati itu pasti cuma tidak tahu bila. Dosa aku masih bergunung. Pahala aku cuma sebesar kuman. Sedih melihat diri. Mencari malam Lailatul Qadar. Mengharapkan diri dapat ketemu malam seribu bulan. Beribadah pada yang satu.

In Sya Allah. Blog ini akan kembali beroperasi, dan kisah-kisah hidup aku beberapa bulan yang lepas akan aku tuliskan. Banyak perkara yang berlaku. Hati ini selalu berbolak-balik, sebab ia kerja Tuhan Yang Satu.



Selamat bersahur.